Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.