Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
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I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.