In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.