Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I love the honesty
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect