[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster