doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
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Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Cats are still liquid.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.