Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college