*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
When your parents check you’re ok.