Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.