Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
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I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.