Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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cause of death:
autopsy.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Weirdly Wednesday.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Best seat on the street 😍
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.