My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”