Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
are there any atheist mantises?
those birds must be on payroll
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.