Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
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This is me
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My Guy
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Perfect.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.