My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.