me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
We’re all getting idioter.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby