Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
#polloftheday
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
You got this…