When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
You Might Also Like
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift