If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.