[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My first child will be named New Folder.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.