Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
(True)
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.