“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.