Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?