My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.