[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.