Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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good let them take over I have had enough
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Botany good plants lately?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today