[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
What the hell happened in there??
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
A game married people play.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”