What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.