When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
It’s a gift
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers