Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
You Might Also Like
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
twitter users today:
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.