ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Confused owl: What?!
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire