So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper