WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
You Might Also Like
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“Huge”.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.