IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
My blood type is coffee.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.