There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.