The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.