GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.