On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
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Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?