ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
parents: you are what you eat
kids: