Spring cleaning checklist…
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Rt to bother an English speaker
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
This January has 47 Mondays
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!