Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
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Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Whoa 😂
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I’m too immature for adultery.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living