Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
where’s Godzilla when we need him
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one