The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
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watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
i choose….tongue
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.