The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Hot Hot Hot
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.