Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.