ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Breaking news:
I love it all
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”