My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.