My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.