I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Expect the unexporcupine.