whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
finally found a reasonable question
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
A classic…
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”