*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
You Might Also Like
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe